Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
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The' GENERAL CHAT- silly posts' thread will be locked monthly. The old thread will remain for access for a month and then be deleted. This is to remove information from storage that is old. If you need information from the locked thread please retrieve it before it is deleted.
Please be inclusive of everyone- this is an area for all members to chat and feel part of the community.
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- cancankant
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Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
This may be a bit of a "debate" topic. I understand there's people from all over the world, too, so things might be a bit different depending on where everybody's from. Here's my conundrum.
I recently got a scathing, rude email from a friend that in a not so subtle way called me basically...cheap. *OUCH* That stings. I am a rather budget conscious person, but I try to live within my means and stay on track financially. While the way she approached me was rude, I am wondering if I've been secretly pissing people off all these years.
So here's the deal...so a friend buys you a drink at a bar. Are you obligated to purchase them a drink in return? Does it matter if the purchaser is male or female? What if the purchaser has a date, and you happen to be the proverbial "third wheel"? Is it circumstancial, or is it a set in stone rule for you?
Just curious as to what people's expectations and feelings are on this subject. Although I've had many men purchase drinks for me over the years, I can't remember any women doing so. It seems to be one of those "gentlemanly" gestures.
I recently got a scathing, rude email from a friend that in a not so subtle way called me basically...cheap. *OUCH* That stings. I am a rather budget conscious person, but I try to live within my means and stay on track financially. While the way she approached me was rude, I am wondering if I've been secretly pissing people off all these years.
So here's the deal...so a friend buys you a drink at a bar. Are you obligated to purchase them a drink in return? Does it matter if the purchaser is male or female? What if the purchaser has a date, and you happen to be the proverbial "third wheel"? Is it circumstancial, or is it a set in stone rule for you?
Just curious as to what people's expectations and feelings are on this subject. Although I've had many men purchase drinks for me over the years, I can't remember any women doing so. It seems to be one of those "gentlemanly" gestures.
- Miss Liberty
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
My friends and i try to spot each other when one of us is a bit broke. It usually goes down like this:
"wanna hit the bar"
"can't, sorry, I'm a bit low on cash"
"no problem, a can get us a few rounds"
and then someday, maybe not the VERY next time, but someday the one will get the other back.
but if someone just starts bringing you over drinks, or offering to buy you drinks, I'm not THAT sure you are obliged to return the favor. It's their perogative....
"wanna hit the bar"
"can't, sorry, I'm a bit low on cash"
"no problem, a can get us a few rounds"
and then someday, maybe not the VERY next time, but someday the one will get the other back.
but if someone just starts bringing you over drinks, or offering to buy you drinks, I'm not THAT sure you are obliged to return the favor. It's their perogative....
- TwiggyDEVOUR
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
I have friends who buy me drinks all the time when im out ^^' mainly male, but they dont expect me to buy them one in return, because usually i have to be strict with my cash despite having a large income o_O London is fucking expensive, especially if like clubbing :[
Of course through, its nice to show you care by buying them a drink too, and to just not make it seem one-way..
Of course through, its nice to show you care by buying them a drink too, and to just not make it seem one-way..
- cancankant
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
Now that I've gotten a couple of replies, I'll reveal that her boyfriend bought me a couple of beers a while back, and she felt I should have bought them both a drink. I have pretty modest tastes, and hers tend to be pretty expensive. I prefer to buy my own, but I've always felt when a gentlemen buys you a drink, it's a nice gesture. There aren't a lot of men that feel that women should be buying them drinks (unless of course they're some sort of gigolo or escort ).
I didn't feel like I was taking advantage of him. I didn't ask for the drink, had money for my own and was gracious about the whole thing. I genuinely thought it was very nice. I've had some minor cash flow issues (of which these people are aware) but don't go out if I can't afford it. I thought it was something rather petty to risk a friendship over.
I didn't feel like I was taking advantage of him. I didn't ask for the drink, had money for my own and was gracious about the whole thing. I genuinely thought it was very nice. I've had some minor cash flow issues (of which these people are aware) but don't go out if I can't afford it. I thought it was something rather petty to risk a friendship over.
- Moody108
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
she shouldn't be so rude! the only drinks (alcoholic) i like are cocktails, which are expensive so i don't expect people to buy them for me, if someone does i'm quite happy to get them a drink in return but it's not a requirement. with me and my friends, they buy me drinks when i'm skint and i buy them drinks if they're skint.
she sounds like she may be a bit jealous that her boyfriend was buying drinks for another girl. but you shouldn't feel obliged to buy both her and her boyfriend a drink that same night, especially if you're not rolling in cash.
she sounds like she may be a bit jealous that her boyfriend was buying drinks for another girl. but you shouldn't feel obliged to buy both her and her boyfriend a drink that same night, especially if you're not rolling in cash.
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Formerly known as kikky_lou
- cancankant
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
She was on some weird rampage. She also thought it was terrible that I didn't tip the bartender on either ocassion. I didn't buy drinks, so I didn't feel the need to tip. The purchaser of the beverages pays the tip, as far as I know.
I agree that there may be some jealousy going on here. I just was testing the waters to see what's "commonplace" among bar etiquette practices. I typically buy my own drinks.
I pretty much won't accept another drink from her boyfriend. She's probably already read him the riot act about buying anything for me (since I'm a cheap user). I will be avoiding any situations where alcohol is involved when it comes to her. She's been a close friend for years, but this is just too much.
I agree that there may be some jealousy going on here. I just was testing the waters to see what's "commonplace" among bar etiquette practices. I typically buy my own drinks.
I pretty much won't accept another drink from her boyfriend. She's probably already read him the riot act about buying anything for me (since I'm a cheap user). I will be avoiding any situations where alcohol is involved when it comes to her. She's been a close friend for years, but this is just too much.
kikky_lou wrote:she shouldn't be so rude! the only drinks (alcoholic) i like are cocktails, which are expensive so i don't expect people to buy them for me, if someone does i'm quite happy to get them a drink in return but it's not a requirement. with me and my friends, they buy me drinks when i'm skint and i buy them drinks if they're skint.
she sounds like she may be a bit jealous that her boyfriend was buying drinks for another girl. but you shouldn't feel obliged to buy both her and her boyfriend a drink that same night, especially if you're not rolling in cash.
- LittlePinkFaery
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
I think if someone offers, they should offer without expecting one in return, unless you are doing rounds all night.
- Moody108
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
i've never tipped bar staff. waiting staff, yes but not bar staff. unless i was one of those drunk old men sat at the bar ALL night, i don't see the need.
you're not tight fisted at all!
you're not tight fisted at all!
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- iamtheparty
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
To be honest I'd be questioning whether I still want to see this person socially. Not just because she's gone off the deep end but because she seems to be keeping score of your friendship.
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- Kaminoke
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
I have very few friends that I ever drink with, but the ones I do go out with, I think we've come to an understanding. We'll either all get our own, or if it's just 2/3, one will get the first drinks, one get the next, next the next, etc etc. I always feel guilty about having drinks bought for me, so I'll insist on doing something in return if I can, even if it's not more drinks . (The exception was a works do, where I was out with a bunch of guys that all insisted on buying me drinks all night )
TBH like others have said, it sounds like she's jealous, or has other issues. I don't think I've ever seen someone tip a bartender before, so I can't comment on that part.
TBH like others have said, it sounds like she's jealous, or has other issues. I don't think I've ever seen someone tip a bartender before, so I can't comment on that part.
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
i hate hate hate when people start doing rounds.. i know it sounds mean and selfish but i would just rather sort myself out.
a few reasons is because i drink slower, i drink less, and i drink cheaply! so i end up spending SOOO much when people do rounds!
If a mate buys me a drink tho i will buy them one back, if its just the 2 of us.. its when your in a big group it starts to get annoying!
a few reasons is because i drink slower, i drink less, and i drink cheaply! so i end up spending SOOO much when people do rounds!
If a mate buys me a drink tho i will buy them one back, if its just the 2 of us.. its when your in a big group it starts to get annoying!
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- MistressH
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
to be honest if we do rounds we agree first, my friend L is always skint and only drinks pints so why should she buy double vodkas for everyone else?
Also i think its wrong if someone offers to buy you a drink that yougo for the most expensive think or quite an expensive thinglike champagne or double vodka redbull (unless ts on offer )
Also i think its wrong if someone offers to buy you a drink that yougo for the most expensive think or quite an expensive thinglike champagne or double vodka redbull (unless ts on offer )
- Dude
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
I agree with this too.iamtheparty wrote:To be honest I'd be questioning whether I still want to see this person socially. Not just because she's gone off the deep end but because she seems to be keeping score of your friendship.
I dont buy rounds either, I dont see the point. But if one of my mate got me a drink then yeah i'll ask what they want before I went to get it and if they say (which they do most the time) "Oh no worries its fine" , I will not argue.
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- cancankant
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
I don't do rounds either. In fact, I purposely ordered the least expensive pint of beer at the establishment - $5 (on special that day) and stayed with that. My friend was drinking some fancy beer from Belgium that cost $10 and her boyfriend was drinking top shelf vodka (at a beer bar) at $9 a pop. This woman has never bought me drink to my knowledge. She did take me out to dinner years ago for a wedding present, and we've done various favors for one another. I thought it was the rudest thing to bring up, though. The sentiment of her E-MAIL message was that I'm cheap and embarassing because I didn't tip. I've been friends with her for 15 yrs.
I worked as an exotic dancer for my first 4 adult years. We lived on tips alone, so I know what it feels like. I always tip for service from waitstaff and most always for bartenders. Here in the US, waitstaff is paid very low wages(waitress minimum...around $2.55/hr last time I checked), whereas bartenders are typically paid a much higher wage(usually $8-10+/hr or more). Bartenders in top clubs are BANKING $$$. The night in question where I didn't tip, I was being given drinks by other people and frankly, attracting/keeping a lot of business in the bar. The bartender didn't seem annoyed, in fact he kept talking to us. I frankly think he was trying to get into my friend's pants (or miniskirt). *shrugs*
I called and apologized and figured she'd be pissed until she needed someone to talk to. She called me back the next day as if nothing had happened. Now it's all sunshine & rainbows.
iamtheparty: Yes, I agree with you. She's pulled some weird crap in the past, and I let it slide. This is not the first time I've been on the receiving end of a tongue lashing, and it's getting a little lame. I'm not cutting off contact, but scaling WAY back & if I'm free, I will be happy to hang out with her. I don't think I can do anything with her that involves alcohol, though. She's very jealous of her boyfriend, but I am married and her friend and she was right there the whole time with us in a packed bar.
I worked as an exotic dancer for my first 4 adult years. We lived on tips alone, so I know what it feels like. I always tip for service from waitstaff and most always for bartenders. Here in the US, waitstaff is paid very low wages(waitress minimum...around $2.55/hr last time I checked), whereas bartenders are typically paid a much higher wage(usually $8-10+/hr or more). Bartenders in top clubs are BANKING $$$. The night in question where I didn't tip, I was being given drinks by other people and frankly, attracting/keeping a lot of business in the bar. The bartender didn't seem annoyed, in fact he kept talking to us. I frankly think he was trying to get into my friend's pants (or miniskirt). *shrugs*
I called and apologized and figured she'd be pissed until she needed someone to talk to. She called me back the next day as if nothing had happened. Now it's all sunshine & rainbows.
iamtheparty: Yes, I agree with you. She's pulled some weird crap in the past, and I let it slide. This is not the first time I've been on the receiving end of a tongue lashing, and it's getting a little lame. I'm not cutting off contact, but scaling WAY back & if I'm free, I will be happy to hang out with her. I don't think I can do anything with her that involves alcohol, though. She's very jealous of her boyfriend, but I am married and her friend and she was right there the whole time with us in a packed bar.
- absolutebrutal
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
lol i didn't realize there WAS an etiquette!?
me and my bestie used to go out all the time. we'd both take however much money we could afford individually and just... go out and drink and have fun. usually it was whichever wallet was easier to grab on the way to the bar is whichever wallet paid for the drinks. then at the end of the night we'd empty our pennies onto the table and merge them to buy a pizza and taxi =D! lord knows who brought how many drinks for whom. how ridiculous!
another example, when we all used to go out in a group, people would just buy drinks for whoever they wanted. like if i was making a trip to the bar for myself i'd have a look at the table and if my best mate was running low, and one of my other mates was running low, i'd buy us all a drink. i never expected a drink back of those two people. usually a drink would just come back to me later on from somebody else who'd done the same thing.
any left over funds at the end of the evening usually went towards buying some food for everybody or taxi's for them to get home and all that.
nobody i've ever been out with has kept a record of who was buying for who and how much they were spending per night out etc...
me and my bestie used to go out all the time. we'd both take however much money we could afford individually and just... go out and drink and have fun. usually it was whichever wallet was easier to grab on the way to the bar is whichever wallet paid for the drinks. then at the end of the night we'd empty our pennies onto the table and merge them to buy a pizza and taxi =D! lord knows who brought how many drinks for whom. how ridiculous!
another example, when we all used to go out in a group, people would just buy drinks for whoever they wanted. like if i was making a trip to the bar for myself i'd have a look at the table and if my best mate was running low, and one of my other mates was running low, i'd buy us all a drink. i never expected a drink back of those two people. usually a drink would just come back to me later on from somebody else who'd done the same thing.
any left over funds at the end of the evening usually went towards buying some food for everybody or taxi's for them to get home and all that.
nobody i've ever been out with has kept a record of who was buying for who and how much they were spending per night out etc...
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- cancankant
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
I wish more people were like you. I don't "keep score" of what's been done/bought, etc. among the two of us, but it's now plainly obvious that she DOES. She's always had more expensive taste and makes about 3 times as much as I do in income.
Personally, after talking to other people about this (my dad & my husband), I think part of it was the fact that she just paid for two weekends away (at fancy hotels) and her man didn't chip in a red cent. Not my problem. But then she remembers how he bought me a couple of friendly drinks...and *kerpow*... all the animosity she has against him explodes onto me. Not cool at all.
Personally, after talking to other people about this (my dad & my husband), I think part of it was the fact that she just paid for two weekends away (at fancy hotels) and her man didn't chip in a red cent. Not my problem. But then she remembers how he bought me a couple of friendly drinks...and *kerpow*... all the animosity she has against him explodes onto me. Not cool at all.
absolutebrutal wrote:lol i didn't realize there WAS an etiquette!?
me and my bestie used to go out all the time. we'd both take however much money we could afford individually and just... go out and drink and have fun. usually it was whichever wallet was easier to grab on the way to the bar is whichever wallet paid for the drinks. then at the end of the night we'd empty our pennies onto the table and merge them to buy a pizza and taxi =D! lord knows who brought how many drinks for whom. how ridiculous!
another example, when we all used to go out in a group, people would just buy drinks for whoever they wanted. like if i was making a trip to the bar for myself i'd have a look at the table and if my best mate was running low, and one of my other mates was running low, i'd buy us all a drink. i never expected a drink back of those two people. usually a drink would just come back to me later on from somebody else who'd done the same thing.
any left over funds at the end of the evening usually went towards buying some food for everybody or taxi's for them to get home and all that.
nobody i've ever been out with has kept a record of who was buying for who and how much they were spending per night out etc...
-
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
hmm, well , i must say, i LOVE cocktails and i most of the time buy expensive drinks when we go out.. however when someone offers to buy a round, i drink something cheaper..
i'm a bit scared now honestly that the people i go out with think that i will take the most expensive drink when they buy a round . :p lol
with us most of the time every person pays for themselves , that way there is no hassle ^^
unless there is a birthday or something like that
the only things i find very rude and can get on my nerves so bad is :
1) when someone finds it "DUH" logical when someone else pays for his/her drinks, because that other person has more money.
2)when someone "begs" for it , like when they go : "oh, you guys have another drink, its ok ,i just cant afford it , i would Love another drink ,but i cant *snif¨* *puppy eyes *
Especially when they do the puppy eyes to the most "desperate" single person in the group and then stick around that person like glue the entire night so the poor sod keep buying drinks for them ..
oh ,and when you say : i'll pay you back , Actually pay them back...
:p
i'm a bit scared now honestly that the people i go out with think that i will take the most expensive drink when they buy a round . :p lol
with us most of the time every person pays for themselves , that way there is no hassle ^^
unless there is a birthday or something like that
the only things i find very rude and can get on my nerves so bad is :
1) when someone finds it "DUH" logical when someone else pays for his/her drinks, because that other person has more money.
2)when someone "begs" for it , like when they go : "oh, you guys have another drink, its ok ,i just cant afford it , i would Love another drink ,but i cant *snif¨* *puppy eyes *
Especially when they do the puppy eyes to the most "desperate" single person in the group and then stick around that person like glue the entire night so the poor sod keep buying drinks for them ..
oh ,and when you say : i'll pay you back , Actually pay them back...
:p
- Sakura
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
I believe they tip a lot more frequently in the US than we do over here.kikky_lou wrote:i've never tipped bar staff. waiting staff, yes but not bar staff. unless i was one of those drunk old men sat at the bar ALL night, i don't see the need.
you're not tight fisted at all!
I've been skinted lately and have allowed people to buy me drinks but have not really been able to return the favour, hope they don't all think I'm a cheap user =/
I agree a return drink shouldn't be expected unless people are doing rounds reall.y
- iamtheparty
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
When I was working behind a bar I never got actual tips, just told to "take one for yourself" (ie. a drink) and I was never offended. Although tbh I never expected tips when I was a waitress, but it was nice. However, $2.55/hr is outrageous. That's about £1.40 in our money and minimum wage over here (for everyone!) is £5.52 (for over 22's) or £4.60 (18-21). How can they set the minimum wage so low for waitresses? It's not like it's an easy job! You're never off your feet!
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- CherryLex
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
iamtheparty wrote:When I was working behind a bar I never got actual tips, just told to "take one for yourself" (ie. a drink) and I was never offended. Although tbh I never expected tips when I was a waitress, but it was nice. However, $2.55/hr is outrageous. That's about £1.40 in our money and minimum wage over here (for everyone!) is £5.52 (for over 22's) or £4.60 (18-21). How can they set the minimum wage so low for waitresses? It's not like it's an easy job! You're never off your feet!
They set it that low for the service industry because tipping is expected and they claim the tips when filing taxes as income. It's "supposed" to even out. I've waited tables once and belive me - it often does not.
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- iamtheparty
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
As if they expect your wages to come directly out of customer's pockets. Madness.
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- cancankant
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
The scary thing about this is I can see tipping waitresses 15-20% because their wages are low. Bartenders on the other hand, ususally have higher wages, plus tips (generally, it's a rule of thumb of about $1 a drink or so, unless you've got a running tab). When I was a dancer, working on tips alone, I had to TIP the bartenders. Talk about an insult. The bar I worked at paid them $10/hr, plus they got a bare minimum of $6/dancer. There was usually about 8-10 girls on staff and 1-2 bartenders. Do the math. Bartenders were banking, while the dancers NEVER knew how much we were going to take home.
The rationale was that the bartenders "kept guys in the establishment so they can tip you" and that the guys didn't tip the bartenders very much because they were tipping us. My thoughts were, too bad, so sad...don't work in a strip bar then. I also think it was hogwash that they didn't get tips. At least they got a WAGE.
Also, the minimum wage in the US is EXTREMELY low, even for non-service workers. It's about $6.50/hr. I haven't worked for minimum wage since I was a teenager, and I'm glad. You need about $12-14/hr to live comfortably in my city, so I can't imagine trying to live on such little money.
As for the waitress thing, I used to work in a restaurant that did a lot of promotions and had 2-for-1 coupon deals. People were supposed to tip on what the dinner would have cost had they paid for 2 entrees, but they very rarely did. It was not uncommon to receive a tip of $5 for a $75 meal because the people were tipping on the price they paid (and then not very well). There were times I had to ask my manager to pay me minimum wage for the day, since I did not make $4/hr in tips. It was crap. On the other hand, I've known waiters in fancy/special restarants to make $200+/night in tips.
The rationale was that the bartenders "kept guys in the establishment so they can tip you" and that the guys didn't tip the bartenders very much because they were tipping us. My thoughts were, too bad, so sad...don't work in a strip bar then. I also think it was hogwash that they didn't get tips. At least they got a WAGE.
Also, the minimum wage in the US is EXTREMELY low, even for non-service workers. It's about $6.50/hr. I haven't worked for minimum wage since I was a teenager, and I'm glad. You need about $12-14/hr to live comfortably in my city, so I can't imagine trying to live on such little money.
As for the waitress thing, I used to work in a restaurant that did a lot of promotions and had 2-for-1 coupon deals. People were supposed to tip on what the dinner would have cost had they paid for 2 entrees, but they very rarely did. It was not uncommon to receive a tip of $5 for a $75 meal because the people were tipping on the price they paid (and then not very well). There were times I had to ask my manager to pay me minimum wage for the day, since I did not make $4/hr in tips. It was crap. On the other hand, I've known waiters in fancy/special restarants to make $200+/night in tips.
iamtheparty wrote: As if they expect your wages to come directly out of customer's pockets. Madness.
- NaturalistDesigns
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
When I'm out, as I'm on JSA and look 16 [according to most establishments] and also have no ID, I always send my partner to the bar to buy me the same drink - so we know how much it'll be. He always orders JD & Coke, and I'll always get Smirnoff Ice/Black Ice.
I think it's depends on if it's a female or male friend buying you a drink. Although, I don't go out often enough on my own to get drinks "for free" as such.
I think she/your "friend" needs to figure out why she picks you out of the group to toungue lash; it's not right to point score at the end of the day.
I think it's depends on if it's a female or male friend buying you a drink. Although, I don't go out often enough on my own to get drinks "for free" as such.
I think she/your "friend" needs to figure out why she picks you out of the group to toungue lash; it's not right to point score at the end of the day.
- Miss Liberty
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
For the record, now that i have read the whole story, i believe proper gift etiquette would have made you the rude one for TRYING to tip on a round purchased for you. the person that pays for the drinks tips, no matter if the round is for you or not...
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Re: Drinking/Bar etiquette -friends
That was extremely rude IMO. I stick to relatively the same thing when at the bars, same beer & a shot of bacardi something, cherry blow pop, red headed *bleep*, or yag bombs. My friends will buy me shots/beers, sometimes I'll get them back.
Personally, I wouldn't hang out with her much anymore, if you've friends for a long time, she could've have respected you more to discuss instead of refering to you as cheap. It's possible she doesn't understand your financial situation, not that it's her business, but letting her know your watching what you spend could help. Along with the matter that you never asked for him to buy you drinks, nor did you expect it, so before she goes around calling people cheap, she should reign in the swiping of her/his cards.
Personally, I wouldn't hang out with her much anymore, if you've friends for a long time, she could've have respected you more to discuss instead of refering to you as cheap. It's possible she doesn't understand your financial situation, not that it's her business, but letting her know your watching what you spend could help. Along with the matter that you never asked for him to buy you drinks, nor did you expect it, so before she goes around calling people cheap, she should reign in the swiping of her/his cards.
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